It comes back

I'm talking about those 'bad feelings' about CNY (Chinese New Year). I don't like CNY.

It all started ever since my parents are separated, CNY no longer be the most enjoyable time for me. CNY is a festival that we are very afraid off, not because of the financial part - to give angpow to relative but is more to meeting relatives of dad's side and meeting dad alone is bad. :( Every year without fail, grandma will call and demand us to go to have reunion dinner together and that cause a lot of arguements because we don't like people to be harsh on us. So when we are being forced to do something, it doesn't turn out that well usually.

I will try to run away alone from CNY every year ever since they are separated, i just don't want to go through those moment that will bring back memories of my younger days. I don't know but even until today, i still can't take it. I have been having this 'bad feelings' about CNY this year when i start to hear CNY songs in shopping malls and radio. Yesterday, i had stronger 'bad feelings' when mom asked if i'm going for reunion dinner and finally mom agreed that i can go to work on the 2nd day of CNY. :D

I just don't like the feelings, i will feel miserable and sad because my childhood memories will be flashing in my head. What i have during childhood time are no longer there, vanished. So i really don't like to have that feelings, hence, CNY is giving me stress every year.... :(

I've run away from CNY to follow my godma back to her hometown before, went for vacation alone just to run away from CNY and even reluctantly go to grandma's house if i can't find any plan. Every year when i'm around, we will go to grandma's house quite late, we never really join relatives to eat together, we will usually go later than lunch time, this is just a way to escape.......... hhaaii.... why......

Actually i find that the worse part is not eating together with grandparents and relatives but it's more to how to face dad. I have tried to be good to dad, to obey him, to respect him but it doesn't really bring much results. The hurts are still there, still deep within me, it's painful even now when i'm blogging, i can feel the pain in my heart. How to remove this hurts? "Lord, help....."

A lot of colleagues asked how many days leave am i taking this year... well, i just said 'non' and i have nothing to say futher to explain to them the reason behind it. They look at me one kind but it's hard to explain......


"Lord, please help me to forgive, i choose to forgive him, in the name of Jesus, Amen."